


it had to be you

by briwookie



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, When Harry Met Sally AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-23 22:39:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12518164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briwookie/pseuds/briwookie
Summary: After driving with him from Colorado to New York, Kyle learns that Eric Cartman is one of the strangest people he had ever met. It also doesn't help that they keep running into each other after they agree that they can never be friends.Then again, time can really change two people.Or, a When Harry Met Sally AU.





	it had to be you

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is an idea I have had coming for quite some time. 
> 
> When Harry Met Sally is one of my favorite romantic comedies of all time, and ever since I got into Kyle/Cartman as a ship, I connected them immediately to the movie - so here we are! This is going to be about 4/5 chapters, and goes along with a lot of stuff from the movie (but don't worry, I will change some things to add a little flair).
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this. Please make sure to add feedback if you like it, and thanks for reading!

Kyle had grown to trust his ragged Cadillac, despite it spitting on the road since he was a baby.

When his dad passed it down to him, he knew there was no other option, but if it had four wheels and could keep its engine kicking, Kyle didn’t see any issues. Sure, it could use a new coat of paint (a modest green, his favorite color), an air conditioner that wasn’t about to call it quits, and a nice stereo, but Kyle wasn’t fancy. It was reliable, built for long trips.

Good thing, in the case of strangers Kyle had never met.

When Kyle befriended Heidi while they were both in law school, she didn’t have a boyfriend. Kyle wondered why – she had a cute face, and a smile that screamed hospitable. Not even a year passed before Kyle heard she was joined at the hips with a “charismatic businessman.” _Potential_ businessman, Kyle knew, since they all attended University of Colorado. They were barely getting off the floors after their senior year, and she already insisted he was getting noticed by employers. Kyle scoffed to himself when she said it – who gets a decent gig right after graduation?

Maybe one could be lucky, but even then, it’s slightly above minimal wage with nights of crying because you’re worried about rent and food.

Kyle also knew he was heading up to New York. Some of his family lived in Jersey and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to that sweet apple at one point in his life, so he figured he may as well live there. There was always South Park to come back to if he hated the politics, or pigeon shit falling on his windshield. When Heidi learned about Kyle’s job-searching there, she mentioned her boyfriend, and even though Kyle didn’t see a picture of this guy, he was going to say yes. Apparently, this orb of charisma wanted to talk to some of those employers up there, and Kyle figured two was better than one if he had to drive hundreds of miles.

Then Kyle saw the guy.

He didn’t look bad. There was this rustic appearance about him that put Kyle off, but in a way that suited _him_. He wore a red and blue plaid shirt over a black shirt, denim jeans, and sneakers. His brown hair was brushed over his forehead, and he had no facial hair. A little chunkier, but he was tall, so it must’ve helped in his case.

Kyle pulled his car over to the side of the street where the lovely couple was exchanging goodbyes.

He waited for a good five minutes as they talked close – so intimate that even from across the road, Kyle was getting uncomfortable – and as the guy pulled her in close and kissed her, Kyle was surprised at how much they were getting into it. Heidi had her arms wrapped around the guy’s neck, bringing him in closer, while his hands were gripping at her waist. Kyle rolled his eyes before he pressed on his steering wheel. Heidi glanced over and smiled.

“Hey, it’s Kyle! See, it’s the guy I was telling you about…” Heidi was gushing as the two of them walked to Kyle’s car. Up close, Kyle realized, this guy was taller than he anticipated. There was no doubt he was over six feet.

“Eric, I want you to meet Kyle Broflovski. Kyle, Eric Cartman.” Heidi backed up, like she was waiting for this guy to take his hand out for a shake.

Kyle found that Eric was staring at him, in a bizarre way that was a reluctant invitation. Kyle coughed into his hand and pulled a switch from under his seat.

“Back’s open.”

“I really appreciate you doing this for me, Kyle.” Heidi leaned into the driver’s seat while Eric put his suitcases in the trunk. “There was no other way for him to get to New York, and I…”

“Don’t sweat it, Heidi.” Kyle sent a playful grin. “What’s the trouble of having someone to tag along?”

“If there’s anything I can do for you, name it. New York’s a while away, but you have my number. If it gets a little chilly, you can always crash at my place.” Heidi said.

Kyle imagined bungling up on nights in his new apartment, barely furnished with only a pot of soup in the cabinet, wishing he brought more blanket. Colorado was a head-start in the freeze department, but winters in the East could be hard. He gave himself a mental checklist: Get twenty pairs of gloves and keep the receipts in case they didn’t fit right, and make sure to not always open the door if someone knocks.

Kyle looked behind him to see that Eric put his stuff in the back in the strangest ways – his cases were cluttering the space and he hoped one of them didn’t fall on the portable cactus Stan gave him as a graduation present.

“You ready to head out?” Kyle asked, turning to find Eric was already giving Heid another kiss. They were making out before Kyle had to cough again, just for Heidi to break it off.

“Alright, babe. Make sure you call me as soon as you two stop for the night.”

“I’ll try to make it faster if there’s a phone nearby.” Eric grinned. “I love you.”

“Oh, I love you.” Heidi leaned in for another peck, which turned into thirty more pecks. Even after months these kids were going at it, Kyle thought. He told himself never to get involved with a passionate kisser, or at least, one that kissed so much in public.

When Eric practically threw himself into the passenger seat, he spent a good minute waving back to Heidi as the two of them drove out of the street. Kyle could smell the cologne he wore from inches away, crisp like he just put it on. It wasn’t terrible, but it matched him to a tee and Kyle wasn’t sure if he liked that fact or not. Eric leaned back in the chair and sighed to himself, putting his feet on the dashboard. Black shoes with shoelaces out different holes than they should be, Kyle recognized.

Kyle bit down his tongue before turning onto the highway. “So, here’s what I think we should do. Getting from Colorado to New York is going to take three days if we take cautions with how much we sleep, so as long as we stop tonight around eleven, we can-“

“You want some mints?” Eric asked. Kyle blinked towards him before directing his eyes back on the road.

“…what?”

“Mints. These were kind of cheap at the gas station, but I think they’re pretty good.”

“Um, no that’s fine.” Kyle moved around in his seat. Eric’s voice was suitable for his profession – thick and persuading. No wonder he wanted to get into business. Eric shrugged to himself before tilting his head back and swallowing a mouthful of mints in one go. In a way, Kyle thought, it was admirable – and in another, he was repulsed.

“Anyways, as I was saying: I can drive until we get out of Colorado and maybe an hour out of Burlington you can take over?” Kyle asked. Eric shifted himself in the seat as he put his mint container in the cupholder. Kyle didn’t say anything as to why he didn’t just put it back in his pocket.

“How about we make this trip as general as possible…someone takes day, which would be you, and then I’d take the next day.” Eric said. Kyle drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, irritated as he had planned all that morning about the different shifts with hours.

“See, I already set this up.” Kyle replied. He pointed towards the glovebox.” There’s a map in there with colored routes, if you want to take it out and look it over.”

“You use a physical map?” Eric asked. When taking out the map and unfolding it, he blinked at the assortment of colors trailing from Boulder to New York. Perfect lines, not a smudge out of place. Kyle chuckled at Eric’s expression.

“My family grew up using them. For the longest time, my dad didn’t even look at Google Maps.”

“That must have…really sucked ass.” Eric muttered. He folded it back in the typical way a kid would guess which side tucked into what, before putting it on the floor.

“So, I guess we can work around that.” Kyle caved. 

“Cool. You sure you don’t want mints?”

“Positive.” Kyle said.

“HIV positive?” Eric asked.

Before Kyle could even respond, Eric raised his hands defensively. “Relax. I like to joke around.”

“I bet Heidi would’ve found that hysterical.”

“She was a huge fan. She’s actually pretty funny, you know. Deadpanning wasn’t really her style.”

“Is that what you think of me?” Kyle brought a free hand to his chest. “How you wound me, with my lack of comedic insight!”

Eric just stared at Kyle for a second before he burst into laughing. It was haughty, exactly the way Kyle envisioned. He reminded Kyle of the guy that’d always be at the bar, yelling at football games and obnoxiously eyeing at chicks. Kyle could never imagine being that kind of person.

“See? You can be fun, Kyle. You can be _fun._ ”

“Glad to see someone thinks so.” Kyle sighed to himself. Eric folded his arms over his chest and passed a glance.

From where Kyle could see, Eric traced his eyes up and down in a way that made Kyle anxious. It was like he was being shoved in the spotlight, in a way he couldn’t comprehend.

“So, why don’t you tell me the story of your life, Broflovski?” Eric said, almost mispronouncing Kyle’s last name. He would have preferred his first name being butchered. He didn’t blame others – it was hard for someone to roll it off the tips of their tongue.

Kyle gave a small grin. “That’s a pretty huge question to ask for me. Are you wanting to bore yourself to death?”

“It’ll be boring regardless. Besides, we have plenty of road and time ‘till we hit New York.” Eric reached for his mints and downed more. Kyle rolled his eyes.

“Well, if you must know, I’m heading up to Reiter Law. They called me for an interview a couple of weeks ago and said my resume was _fabuleux_.”

After a brief pause, Kyle continued: “Y’know, in French.”

“Right.” Eric said. “Like I couldn’t tell from the obvious similarities.”

“When that’s set in stone, I’m not sure. Going to live with family in Jersey for a while before I decide to get out for a place of my own.”

Eric raised an eyebrow. “Your folks actually live in Jersey?”

“Well, some of them do, yeah. We’d visit them during Hanukkah before heading back to South Park. I used to miss so many days in school just to fly up there.” Kyle said.

Eric’s eyes widened at this statement.

“Oh, so you’re Jewish?”

“Mhm.” Kyle replied. He saw Eric’s fascinated smirk, the way those blue eyes were drawn to him like a mosquito chases a hanging bulb. “…is that going to be a problem?”

“Oh, well, I’ve just never gone on a friend trip with a Jew before. It’s bound to get interesting this way.”

“Why?” Kyle could feel his temper about to slip but he refused to lose himself, not if he had to stick around this guy for another three days.

Eric shrugged. “Just saying...could be something new.”

“Alright, wise guy, what about you? Why are you heading to New York?”

“Wait, wait. How is this fair? You barely said shit about your plans now you’re asking me?” Kyle asked.

“Just trying to make talk. Like you said, it’ll be time to kill until we get where we’re going…unless you’re getting flustered all of a sudden.”

“Fuck that.” Eric kicked his feet off the dashboard and leaned in, almost close enough for his shoulder to touch Kyle’s arm. “Obviously, I’m going to rule that shitty city take names.”

“New York isn’t shitty.” Kyle scoffed.

“Of course, it is,” Eric continued. “The only reason people actually go to New York is because they’re either confident they’ll make money, or for the goddamn aesthetic. How many times have you asked people where they want to move to after they graduate just for them to say New York? It’s a sinkhole of materialism, and yeah I’m going to be a part of it, but only for my benefit.”

“Certainly sounds like it.” Kyle said. He licked his lips and sighed. “In what ways do you think you’re going to be confident enough to better the other hundreds of thousands of business majors there? Sounds a little too cocky to be taken seriously.”

“Because I have connections, and I have a sweet ass, Kyle.”

“Oh, please. Connections will only get you so far in life.”

Eric chuckled as he leaned back against his window.

There were a couple minutes of silence as Kyle continued down the highway, worried the evening traffic would slow them. It hadn’t even been a half hour with this guy and he was feeling sick. It was hard enough dealing with conceited, rich kids back in his department but now he’d have to rely on him to make it through the quiet tick-tocks that would play in his head. Next time, he thought, there had to be a way for Heidi to pay him for even _socializing_ with this guy.

Kyle flipped on the radio and kept switching channels before a jazz song came on. He saw as Eric was about to change it before he stopped, his hand in mid-motion.

“Holy shit, is this Connick Jr?”

Kyle listened to the track, recognizing instantly. “Oh yeah. What is this, _You Didn’t Know Me Then_ , or whatever?”

“ _Recipe for Love,_ obviously.” Eric replied, turning up the volume. “This song definitely heats me up like an oven.”

“Sounds like you know this song pretty well,” Kyle laughed. He’d lie if he said he didn’t love the smooth vocals, or the way he looked at you on the piano like he was planning the entire night in his head.

“That’s because he’s fucking gorgeous. Oh, what a boy like me would do to remind the sucker of time.”

“Oh?” Kyle grinned, as if he’d been fed something secretive. “Gorgeous, hm? Maybe I should send a letter to Heidi.”

“You act like I can’t appreciate when a man can shake me just with his voice, Kyle. Who says we’re only restricted by the opposite sex?”

“So, you swing both ways.” Kyle stated. Eric continued shaking a finger to the beat, nodding.

“Don’t even try pretending you wouldn’t strip for this man.”

“Who says I’d be pretending?” Kyle knew stepping into this topic was risky, since Eric made fun of him for his religion, along with what seemed like _everything else._

Kyle had known he preferred guys since he was in high school – it, of course, was a drunken attempt at a game he and his friend both played, in a constant state of denial from their growing boners. Kyle didn’t even care he had hickeys to cover with his scarves, he was just happy to get some kind of action. Plus, the guy he talked to was cute enough to make all seem worth it.

After he started college, he didn’t talk to him again, but he apparently went off to L.A. to produce music. Strange world.

Eric paused his dancing and looked at Kyle in the most serious way Kyle had seen from him. His mouth was open, and Kyle prepared himself for the barrage of playful slander. When it didn’t come, Kyle just blinked towards him as if there was a malfunction.

“Are you alright there?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Eric said. He tilted himself back in the chair and stared off into space while the song was ending.

Kyle didn’t understand what was going on except for the dipping sun into the horizon. It was starting to get dark, winter nights slipping faster than time could catch up. Kyle turned the radio off as he headed for a new exit. He wanted to say something, why couldn’t he come up with the words to say? He was a law student, for fuck’s sake, having a loss for words wasn’t a compliment in this situation.

“So, uh, have you seen _Casablanca_?” Kyle turned towards Eric with a nervous smile. When Eric looked back at him, he kept his uncertain expression.

“…you do realize we could never be friends, right?”

“Huh?” Kyle asked, feeling a shiver coming over him like he was about to step into something nasty. “That’s kind of abrupt to say, considering you just met me.”

“Well _considering_ you and I are both swinging the male territory, in some shape or form, there’s just no chance. Hate to break it to you, but it just comes with statistics.”

Kyle couldn’t believe the words that were entering his ears. In what universe what this bozo living in?

“What are you even saying, that all the men I’ve ever become friends with just shouldn’t be friends with me?”

“No, no. See, what I’m getting at here is – you like guys right?”

“Um, yes?” Kyle sneered.

“Then there you go.”

“…okay, forgive me if I’m getting this wrong, because sometimes when people say things their words just jumble around in my head and I can’t connect the dots, but what you’re getting at is because I am gay, and that you like sucking someone’s dick now and then, we can’t be friends with each other?” Kyle could feel the ticking bomb in his head now.

“Mm, sounds about right.” Eric mumbled, putting his feet back up on the dashboard.

“ _Why_?” Kyle could only ask the one word he knew how. Eric looked back at Kyle as their eyes met.

“Kyle. If you’ve known someone else that was gay that you spent time with, would they or would they not try to make a move on you?”

“What does making a move have to do with me being friends with someone with that same sexuality? That doesn’t make any sense at all.” Kyle said.

Eric just shrugged and looked back at the window.

“But see, I know for a fact whenever I told guys I liked both men and women, and if they were curious or whatever themselves, they would always just to have sex. The sex part always gets in the way, and as soon as you tell someone that’s what you’re into, they go right for the kill.”

“…they do not.” Kyle said.

“Do, too.”

“Do _not_.”

“Do, too.”

“So you’re saying all of my guy friends who have been bi-curious or openly gay in the past have wanted to sleep with me?”

“Well, like I said,” Eric replied, “Guys who are into other guys can’t really be friends with each other because of the sex, but yes. You’re really making me repeat myself here.”

“Because I honestly can’t understand why you’re saying shit that makes no sense!” Kyle beat his hand on the steering wheel, to where Eric just chuckled.

“Like I said, it’s just statistics.”

“What _statistics_?”

“How about me with every guy I’ve found attractive?” Eric raised his hands. “As soon as we establish we have boners for each other, and fool around, we separate just as fast. Why do you think that is?”

“Because…” Kyle started, as Eric cut in.

“Because neither of us were actually friends and it was leading itself into the inevitable.”

Another brief silence between them and Kyle thought of driving the two of them off the road. He had no idea in what mindset this guy thought to where his shitty experiences with other guys led him to this kind of conclusion, but where they were, and Kyle wished he never said anything to begin with. Eventually, he had to break the quiet tension.

“Well. I guess we’re not going to be friends, then.”

“Guess not.” Eric said.

“You know, I really don’t know what kind of fucked up relationships you’ve had with these people, but I assure you that I…” Kyle started before his stomach interrupted them. Eric snickered towards him, while Kyle just rolled his eyes.

“Oh, stop. I haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast.”

“You could have had some mints, I offered like, a million times.” Eric said.

“Okay, first of all, it was only twice, and second, I don’t like eating anything between meals. I guess we can just go to somewhere cheap and make it fast.”

 

Kyle caught the next exit sign and was relieved when he saw a Steak n’ Shake. They found their way off the highway just to pull into a nearly abandoned restaurant. There were only three cars in the parking lot and Kyle checked the time. It was starting to get late but he figured the faster they could eat, the faster it would be to New York.

When they snagged a table, the waitress came and got their drinks. Kyle ordered a ginger ale while Eric got a chocolate shake – a drink that matched him perfectly, Kyle thought: messy and extra.

As they were looking through their menus, Kyle kept remembering all the things that were said in the car and having Eric’s words stuck on his brain. There was no way he could imagine his guy friends thinking that way of him. Sure, there was a moment when he’d learn if someone had a more open sexuality that his heart would pick up and he’d get excited, but that was just a passing thought. It didn’t mean he’d actively want to have sex with the guy, or if he did then…

Kyle shook his head. There was just no way. He was just trying to rile him up because he knows he could use his words against him. No. Way.

“You look like you’re gonna shake your head off your shoulders, there.” Eric commented, not even looking up from the menu. Kyle paused before continuing to look at the entrees. When the waitress came back, Kyle caught a good look at her and noticed the bags under her eyes. She took out her notepad and pink pen.

“What can I get for you gentlemen this evening?”

Eric didn’t hesitate to go first. “I’ll have the number three…with extra fries. Barbeque sauce on the side. Also, can I get onion rings?”

“Sure, hun.” The girl turned towards Kyle with the same passive expression. “You?”

“I’d like to get the taco salad, but I want the sauce on the side in two different cups, but if the cups aren’t plastic than just forget the sauce. I’d also like there to be no croutons, and forget the other little pieces you put on top, the red and green stuff. You know, whatever those are, tortilla strips? Also, I’ll have some pineapple on a small plate, but it comes in a can, forget it.”

Eric stared at Kyle as he handed the menus back. The waitress didn’t say anything else as she walked towards the kitchen. Kyle just turned back as Eric raised an eyebrow.

“…what?”

“You probably filled up that entire girl’s pad with one order.” Eric said. Kyle rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms over the table.

“Oh, you’re saying I’m the one that did that?”

“Well, one of us did and I’m sure it wasn’t me, so…” Eric grinned. Kyle knew that Eric getting him pestered was working charms, but Kyle didn’t care.

“Sue me for not wanting a burger this time.”

Eric just laughed back. ‘Anyways, about that question with _Casablanca_ …”

* * *

 

The two of them ended up spending almost an hour in the restaurant before they headed back to the car. It was Eric’s turn to drive but Kyle didn’t want him with control of his car, so he took the reins for the night. They were only driving a couple more hours before they were going to stop, but the closer they got, the sooner Kyle could say his goodbyes and lead his own life. Eric played with a toothpick he grabbed when they got back into their seats.

“But you understand my reasoning for not liking the movie as much as everyone else.” Eric said. Kyle just shrugged as he started his car.

“I guess, but your logic on the ending still doesn’t sit well with me.” Kyle replied. Driving back onto the highway, Kyle could tell they would be getting into Oklahoma by midnight. Eric dug around in one of his pockets until he pulled out a package of cigarettes, before he rolled the window down.

“Are you serious?” Kyle asked as Eric whipped out his lighter.

“You really bothered with a little smoke?” He asked, taking out his pick. Kyle just groaned in response.

“I mean, you could have asked, but whatever.”

While Eric was smoking, Kyle looked at him from the side of his eyes. There was a moment of pleasure of watching Eric not care about anything, just letting the cigarette lean out the window with the wind pushing the smoke back. The highway lights reflected into the window against Eric’s frame, shaping out his relaxed demeanor. Kyle focused back on the street as Eric caught his stare.

“Yup. It is definite.”

“What?” Kyle asked.

“We really could never be friends.” Eric said, flicking the burnt cigarette out the window. Kyle didn’t want to continue this conversation, but Eric didn’t let it rest.

“There’s a reason that goes further than what I said earlier, though. The reason I can’t be friends with you is because you’re attractive, and it would be ruined by anything potential.”

Kyle felt his skin grow cold. He just heard this guy who was a c _omplete stranger_ hours ago call him attractive, and he bit down his lower lip.

“I don’t really know why you’d say that to me since you have a girlfriend.”

“It’s not weird if you understand that, realistically, you are attractive. It’d be dumb for me not to admit that you are.” Eric continued. Kyle shook his head in disbelief.

“But what about Heidi?”

“So?” Eric asked, putting the toothpick back in his mouth.

“…you’re going out with her.” Kyle was tempted to kick him out of his car as he said this. Eric still didn’t look phased.

“Right. I can respect when other people look good, it doesn’t do anything to hinder my relationships. That kind of brings it back to the sex part, too. When a guy knows someone else if saying they’re attractive, they always think of the sex, or the possibility of sex.”

“They do not.” Kyle muttered.

“Do, too.”

“They do _not_ , goddammit.” Kyle yelled. He watched Eric’s face draw back as his voice raised, but he didn’t care. Eric didn’t mutter another word for a good minute before he talked again.

“But like I said, we won’t have to worry about it. After all, we’re never going to be friends.”

“Nope.” Kyle replied.

“Not even if we kept crossing each other in New York – if my future business company soars and your clients somehow sue me, if I sue them, we’d still never be friends.”

“Guess not.” Kyle agreed.

“Maybe it’s just the dark side in me.” Eric mumbled as he turned to where his back faced Kyle. As the night continued, Kyle would occasionally look to see Eric sleeping. There was a peace there that drew Kyle to keep looking at him, to where he would snap out of it and keep his eyes ahead, passing all of the exit signs and getting closer to his family, closer to New York.

After this, two more days. Just two more days, and he’d be there.

* * *

The morning that the two of them arrived in New York, Kyle was happy just to pull along the apartment complex where Eric lived. His car did a pretty nice job, managing to cross the states without many issues. Eric remarked a couple of times about how old it was, but Kyle would just say that was the style, and if he didn’t like it, get over it.

When Eric pulled his stuff out of the car, Kyle was relieved to see his cactus not harmed. He checked up on it when they’d make stops, but as long as one of those suitcases didn’t fall on top of it, Kyle was grateful.

Eric zipped up his jacket and got the rest of things out of the car before Kyle met him outside. The way Eric was looking at him was strange, like they spent all this time together just to be splitting ways soon, but Kyle didn’t think much of it. One of them could have found something worth while out of this trip, but Kyle will have it in his memory as, ‘that one time he was stuck with the weirdest guy he knew for thirty-six hours.’

“Well, Broflovski.”

“Cartman.” Kyle said. He gave a small smile to be polite, but when Eric returned it, Kyle felt odd. He took a hand out in an awkward attempt to relieve the sincerity.

“Nice meeting you, eventual businessman. Take New York by storm.” Kyle said. Eric shook his head, taking Kyle’s hand to give it a firm shake, before he grabbed his stuff and started walking away.

While Kyle got back into the car, he noticed Eric turned to wave back at him. Kyle rolled down his window as he started pulling away.

“If I see you around, we should grab a drink sometime!” Eric called out. Kyle simply nodded, not sure as to why they would interact if they saw each other again.

After all, they weren’t even friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. Feedback is appreciated.


End file.
